my diary/ blog thing
4/4/2024. currently 6:44 PM. watching/listening to jubilee video
૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა
i swear to god if this website keeps being weird im gonna commit a heinous act against an unsuspecting innocent person !!!!!1!!!11!
ive been wanting to work more on this website, i just need to stop starting projects then abandoning them
this is the only space i have where i can take all my passions and kind of combine + share them.
neways.. im going to comicon this weekend, gonna be cosplaying both days
first day is a more lowkey, casual cosplay. gonna be an endermen, just gonna wear black dress w accesories
and purple minecraft sword. next day gonna go as natsuki from ddlc, itll be my first actual cosplay !!!
i also finally got makeup !! went w my mom and she helped me pick out some stuf
i got foundation, eyeshadow, eyeliner, lipgloss, and a pink eyeliner =3
it makes me so happy, ive been waiting for this moment since like middle school
im just tired of not feeling pretty
i feel so ugly, i feel embarrased showing my face around others,
for awhile i felt ok w my appearance, i felt i could relate to other girls like me,
other loser femcel esque girls, they looked like me, and they werent ugly.
i felt like what i use to be insecure about was now smth to embrace and like abt myself
then idk what changed, getting older, just suddenly being surrounded by all of these pretty girls
they were like me, but not physcially. i felt like i missed an update.
everyone use to look like me, bushy eyebrows, dark circles, acne, messy hair, hairy legs
but now they are all so beautiful, they have such thin eyebrows, pale and glossy looking skin, they all dress better, they have perfect bangs,
they all have cute piercings, gorgeous makeup, theyre cool now. i feel left behind.
i use to be able to relate to these people and find comfort, now i just find myself constantly comparing
theres this girl i was kinda friends w in school, shes a year younger than me. shes perfect
she has the perfect body, shes gorgeous. perfect makeup, dresses amazingly, she actually has friends to hang out with
i hate how much my jealousy of her takes over me. i just wish i looked like her.
i recently changed my middle part into a side part, and changed my normal bangs into side bangs.
i look on her story and she did the same thing. it looks so much better on her than it does on me
my hairs black like hers now. i feel like a poser, like it looks like im copying her
this wouldnt be an issue seeing as i dont go to school w her anymore
excpet the fact im going to comicon w her and a few other friends
(who are all also way prettier than me)
damn i just wanna be those cool girls on instagram who have perfect bangs, cute glasses, perfect pink rooms
and they post about internet shit or videogames
i wish i was an e celeb, id be so cool
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1/27/2024. currently 7:27 PM. listening to something stupid by frank sinatra
ʕ˶´• ᴥ •`˶ʔ ⠀⠀⠀⠀
i feel like i dont know how to feel. just in general, i dont know.
i want to love so bad, i have such a deep yearning to just love.
i love life, i do. i really really do. i want to be alone, and i want to not care.
oh how i just want to be comfortable enough to love, truly just love.
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1/26/2024. currently 10:50 PM. listening to kiss me again by kets4eki
ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )
i guess ill just type these posts straight in?? my boyfriend is gone for the night to hang with his dad,
so im trying to keep myself busy and actually be productive.
i have gotten a bit done on my website after awhile of not doing anything.
its so hard having so many things i want to do !!!!!!!! xd
my daily to do list looks something like: put dishes in sink, learn python, make a whole album,
draw a masterpiece, try to eat atleast 2 meals a day, code two websites, write a script for a video, go to bed at 10, study :P
uggggh i hate the passage of time !!! its hard being passionate about eveyrthing ever,
i feel like i need to constantly be making something or consuming some kind of new media..
so many animes to watch, albums to listen to, mangas and books to read, video essays to watch..
i feel like i can hear my brain sizzling from the constant consumption of media
so many thoughts and ideas swirling in my head and not enough time to do them
its like being waterboarded
so torterous.. i feel like im in a cartel beheading video
but instead of the cartel its youtube and instead of behading its my watch later list,
im like in a constant "who can be the biggest internet loser" competition, but there is no reward
all i get in return is poorer hygene, good taste in games, and a more extensive (but useless) vocabulary
im going to go lay down in bed to hopefully feel something. bye
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